Thrive Together Counseling

Radical acceptance is a phrase you may have heard before but it is often misunderstood. Radical acceptance is not passivity. It is a dynamic process that involves intentionality and action. Radical acceptance is a willingness to accept reality as it is. Marsha Linehan, the pioneer of Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) explains it like this, “Radical acceptance rests on letting go of the illusion of control and a willingness to notice and accept things as they are right now without judging.”

This definition has several elements that I would like to highlight. The first element is letting go, the second, a willingness to notice, and the third, accepting without judging. In the next few paragraphs I will break down each of these elements, first though, a few words about the process of radical acceptance.

Radical acceptance is not a “one and done” type of thing. Radical acceptance is a journey. As I stated before, it is a dynamic process that involves intentionality and action. I don’t know about you, but when I am going through something difficult, the last thing I want someone to tell me is to “accept it”. This is because this phrase has connotations of rolling over and becoming a victim of circumstances. This is not what radical acceptance is. If that’s not what it is, then what is it? Lets dive into those elements I mentioned earlier.

Radical acceptance rests on letting go of the illusion of control and a willingness to notice and accept things as they are right now without judging.

-Marsha Linehan

Letting Go

Letting go is emptying our hands so they are ready to receive. If our hands are full of things that we are holding on to, how can we receive what life has to offer? Letting go is dropping the things we are clinging to one by one. This concept of letting go relates to another concept called “non-attachment”. Imagine you are a fish swimming around in a pond. You are minding your own business when you see a worm dangling right in front of your face. You decide to eat the worm. As you bite down you feel something pierce your lip. Before you know it, you are getting pulled toward the surface. You try to fight it but a force you can’t see is pulling you all around.

When we are attached to things we are like that fish getting pulled around by a fishing line. If that fish had chosen not to go for the worm, it would not have gotten pulled around. Non-attachment is like choosing not to go for the worm. Sometimes the worm is the criticism of others, or the disappointment of being looked over for a promotion. What could the worm have done instead? That brings us to our next element of radical acceptance.

Willingness to Notice

Instead of going for the worm and getting hooked, the fish could have noticed the worm and moved on. Noticing involves acknowledging reality and accepting it. Dictionary.com defines noticing as, “to perceive, to become aware of”. Awareness takes practice because in order to become aware we must be mindfully present in the moment. When we are mindfully present we are able to see clearly what is going on around us. Noticing something means acknowledging the presence of something. Sometimes however, we don’t want to notice reality. After all, when we are suffering the last thing we want to do is actually feel the suffering. Instead, we ignore, avoid, or even dissociate from the feelings.

This is where the willingness piece comes in. We must be opening to noticing. This takes practice and courage. It takes courage because it involves standing face to face with our difficulties. It involves looking them in the eye and saying, “you are here and I am here with you”. It is choosing not to run or shrink in the face of difficulty. Willingness is a choice. You have the choice whether or not to accept reality. Take a look at this handout which describes radical acceptance and why a willingness to accept reality is important. The point I would like to highlight is that rejecting reality turns into pain and suffering. You get the choice to notice and acknowledge or avoid and run. Just remember, avoidance can lead to an excess use of the coping skills listed above (ignoring, dissociating, etc.). We have looked at letting go and willingness to notice, let’s take a look at the last element, without judging.

Without Judgement

Letting go and facing reality must happen in a non-judgmental way. Making judgements, after all, is a form of attachment. If we notice, for example, that we are experiencing anxiety, it only adds to our suffering to judge the experience. If we say to ourselves, “Why are you anxious, it’s not a big deal? Can you not just function in society like everyone else?”, we are creating distress for ourselves. The judgments we make keep us hooked on the fishing line. Making judgements can compound any difficult emotions we might be feeling making them stronger and harder to accept.

When our emotions become even stronger, it is more difficult to stay mindful. If we are overwhelmed with anger, for instance, our brains are likely being ruled by that emotion. When we are ruled by anger it is easier to lash out at ourselves or someone else. It is easier to make choices we will later regret. This is just one reason why accepting without judgment is important.

As You Go

As you continue your journey of radical acceptance I encourage you to choose a mantra to meditate on in moments when you are struggling to accept reality. This mantra can help you to let go, willingly notice, and do so without judgement. Your mantra can be anything that holds meaning for you. For me, “I chose to bravely accept reality even when it is hard.” May you walk throughout your day with mindful acceptance of what is and the freedom that comes from radical acceptance.