Thrive Together Counseling

If you are human, which I’m assuming you are, you have probably experienced anxiety. Many times when we talk about anxiety we use words that allude to conquest. We talk about fighting anxiety, battling it, overcoming it. For some people this language might be helpful. I have found in my own life however that the more I see my anxiety as an enemy the bigger it feels. When I try to argue with it, it gets louder. When I try to ignore it, it creeps back in. When I try to control it, it grows stronger.

If you have ever experienced this, you might be wondering what you can do. If fighting it makes it grow, what is the alternative? Believe it or not, the alternative is to not fight the anxiety. The answer is to interact with your anxiety in a new way.

I would like to introduce to you the idea of befriending your anxiety. This is just one practice of many that has been helpful for me and has helped some of my clients. When we see anxiety as an enemy, it is counter intuitive to see it as a friend, but it can be helpful. I will walk you through some steps that might help you to view your anxiety with a new perspective and even welcome it as a friend.

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1. Say hello to your anxiety

If you are expecting a friend and hear a knock at your door, you open the door and say hello. If you don’t, they will likely keep knocking and do so more loudly. It’s the same way with anxiety. When anxiety comes to your door if you don’t open it and say hello, it will likely knock louder. So, when you feel that first bit of anxiety in your body, or notice that anxious thought creep in, say hello to your anxiety. Literally, talk to it like it’s a person. Try something like this, “Hello anxiety. I see you are here”. This acknowledgment is the first step toward befriending your anxiety.

2. Ask your anxiety what’s up

When you open the door and say hello to your anxiety, ask it what’s up. “Hello anxiety. I see you are here. What’s up?” This question gives your anxiety the space to be heard. Anxiety is generally trying to communicate something. It could be that you are feeling unsafe, your boundaries are being crossed, or you feel afraid. Allowing your anxiety the room to talk is an important step in befriending it.

3. Listen to your anxiety

After you ask your anxiety what is up, it is important to listen. A good first step in listening to your anxiety is to notice what your body is feeling. What sensations are you experiencing? Where do you feel your anxiety in your body? After noticing your body, notice your thoughts. What anxious thoughts are you having? What is the specific fear? Remember, you are listening, not arguing.

4. Respond to your anxiety

After listening, respond. This response should not include arguing or fighting the anxiety. Respond to your anxiety like you would a friend or a child. Comfort the anxiety, reassure it. For example, if your anxiety is being overactive and telling you that you are not safe (when you objectively are) speak gently to your anxiety. “I notice you are feeling unsafe. That’s a big feeling, thanks for sharing it. In this moment though, I am able to keep myself as safe as possible. I will take care of the situation the best way I know how.” Responding in a gentle way can help you remain calm without escalating yourself by having internal arguments.

5. Thank your anxiety

The last step is to thank your anxiety for showing up for you. It was there to provide you with information. You have acknowledged the anxiety, asked it what’s up, listened to it, and responded to it. Now all that is left is to be grateful it was there to help. You have gotten what you need from it, and now it is time to gently focus your attention somewhere else.

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Following these steps does not mean your anxiety will disappear. It means that you have accepted it with openness, and mindfully responded. This acceptance and mindfulness should, with practice, help you to feel like you are having conversations with your anxiety instead of being bossed around by it. I hope this helps you interact with your anxiety a little differently next time it shows knocks at your door.